I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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