I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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