Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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