I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
