The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
