everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
