tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
