Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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