the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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