you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
