false alarm. still invincible.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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