Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
