I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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