new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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