twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
