Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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