it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
