I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
