I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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