I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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