He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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