My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
