if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
