so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
