I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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