Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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