You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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