things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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