I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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