In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
