Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
