FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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