girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
