You're my little dorito
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
