The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
