I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
