Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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