No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
