my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
