the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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