One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
