Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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