Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
