i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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