My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
