you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
