How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
