the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
