i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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