He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
