I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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